rambling....

Okay, so I'm really bad at this. I just haven't had much time lately. Excuses, excuses....

Anyway, since the time that I .last posted, I turned 29. I am really not very happy with this birthday. I'm just getting way too close to 30. I don't feel like I should be in my 30's. So maybe I'll just stop here. I think I'll make this my last birthday. From now on, I will just not acknowledge anymore birthdays.

I am really looking forward to this weekend. It is supposed to be in the mid-60's! Will be so happy to get out of the house!

Back to the drawing board...

I had a master plan this morning. Last night Erin slept til 5, ate, then went back to sleep and slept till 8. This is pretty good night for her. Usually she is up between 3 and 4 and then up between 5:30 and 6:30 for the day. So I was happy, but it threw off our whole schedule. Normally in order to go to the gym, I'll put her down for her morning nap asap, around 9, then get the twins ready and when Erin wakes up feed her and head out the door. But the Kids Klub is only open til 1 and today I wouldn't be able to put her down for her nap until at least 10, more realistically 10:30 and she wouldn't wake up until probably 12 so I'd never get any kind of workout in before 1. Are you following all this?

So my big plan was to leave the house at 10 without Erin sleeping so that she will fall asleep in the car, then I'd drive around for a 1/2 hour to let her get a catnap in and then go to the gym. It all went so horribly wrong. She started crying as soon as we left the house and didn't stop for the next 45 minutes. Finally, out of desperation, I pulled into the side parking lot of a 7-11 and nursed her on the floor in the back of the van. It's the only thing that can calm her down. So after 15 minutes I put her back in her seat and she fell asleep after driving around for another 10 minutes.

Needless to say after all this Allison & Bridget are ready to get out of the car. It's been over an hour. So they start whining and complaining. So I just let the baby sleep 15 minutes and then we went to the gym just to shut them up. For anyone that cares, that's an hour and a half of straight crying in a small enclosed space. And people wonder why mother sometimes go nuts. But Erin was actually pretty good at the gym. So I guess my plan worked a little? Yeah, I guess not.

The Best Gifts

Three years ago today, I was sitting in my fertility doctor's office thinking I would never get pregnant. All I knew was that I wanted a baby and it wasn't happening. I clearly remember that it was Valentine's day because there were flowers being delivered to the girl behind the desk. My husband and I had been trying for 14 months and I was starting to lose hope. 14 months is nothing compared to what some couples go through to have a baby, but in my mind it was forever. There were people I knew that had gotten pregnant and had a baby in the amount of time that I was still trying in.

I think trying to get pregnant and not being able to is one of the most painful things a person could ever have to go through. It eats away at you. I wondered what was wrong with me. I wondered if I did something so wrong that God wouldn't let me get pregnant. It ate away at my insides. I was forced at times to reevaluate everything I had always wanted in my life, to face the reality that the way I had planned my life and the dreams I had had since I was a little girl just would never happen. I often wondered if my husband regretted marrying me, after all I couldn't give him the family that we both knew we wanted. It makes you feel like less of a woman. Women are supposed to be mothers. Why couldn't I be one?

Little did I know that I would be pregnant within days. I just may have been pregnant sitting there that day. I didn't know that I was about to receive the most incredible Valentine's day gift I would ever get. Allison & Bridget. Followed 20 months later by Erin. How was I to know in that moment of hopelessness that these three incredible people were about to come into my life? These girls that make me thank God everyday. They make me wonder what good thing I must have done to deserve to be able to call them my daughters. They make me proud to be who I am, because I created them. And they are amazing.

I could never have imagined on that Valentine's day three years ago that I would have this love in my life. This incredible, all-encompassing love. Before these girls came into my life, I never really knew what it was like to love someone with this kind of fierceness. My parents always said that you could never really understand until you were a parent yourself. And now I understand. I love my children with every cell in my body, with every inch of my being.

Now I wonder if there was a reason I had to wait 14 months to get pregnant. I think that maybe I appreciate the gifts of Allison, Bridget & Erin just a little bit more. I had to work just a little harder to get them. I know how precious each of their lives are. Three years ago today, there was a piece of me missing, but today I have what I have always dreamed of. A husband I love who loves me, three beautiful, incredible children, and heart that is bursting at the seams with love.

Happy Valentines Day

Snow

We got more than 12 inches of snow here this weekend so it was 2 days of just hanging around the house for us. I was so disappointed about this since we had a babysitter and were supposed to go out to dinner with some friends. I was so looking forward to going out. It sucked on many levels... First of all, we had a babysitter, which is precious and it just killed to cancel. Second, I loooooove going out to dinner. Food, wine, no cooking or dishes to do. Can't beat that. Third, I was going to see my best friends from college who I don't see nearly enough and I miss. So it just sucked.

The twins did get really excited about the snow, though. It's been a pretty mild winter around here and they couldn't believe all the snow that was on the ground when they woke up Sunday morning. My husband took them out sledding and they built a snow penguin with a kit their Grammy bought last year that we never used.

I watched all this from the warm house. No thank you, I don't need to freeze. I just took pictures from the door. Not to mention the fact that I was so exhausted from dressing Allison & Bridget to go outside that I couldn't imagine getting myself or the baby ready. I think they were actually outside less time than it took me to dress them.

22.5!

I'd would just like to brag a little. As of today I've lost 22.5 pounds! (and yes the .5 is important) I can't believe I am actually doing this! I am the worst dieter on the face of the earth. I've been doing really good with the gym, too. I go at least 3 times a week, usually 4. Going to the gym has actually been my savior this winter. Allison & Bridget love to go to the Kids Klub there and even though Erin has caused them a lot of trouble, she is getting much better and doesn't cry at all anymore. The only thing that sucks is that I somehow hurt my right knee so it kills to run. Very, very annoying since I was really getting into running. I was up to 6 miles. But I think that I'll have to stick with the cross trainer till my knee feels better.

I must admit that Erin's milk allergy helps me immensely with the dieting. Everything that I love has dairy in it-cheese, ice cream, chocolate-so that's a lot of calories that I just can't eat since I'm nursing her. But I'm also being really good about not snacking during the day. It's tough, but I have my mind made up to do it. I'll try to update weekly how I'm doing. I think it will help to be a little bit accountable.

Go me!

This is a role model?

Have you heard about Britney Spears driving around with her baby on her lap? I just cannot get over the stupidity of some people. I don't understand why some people are allowed to procreate.

Passing the day

We went to the mall this morning. I swear it takes me 3 hours to get out the door in the morning. I was up at 7 and didn't get them in the car until at least 10 without taking a break. By the time I nurse the baby, pump the other side, change diapers x3, make baby cereal and feed it to her, get breakfast for the twins and force them to eat it, fill all the sippy cups for the day, empty the dishwasher, drink my coffee before it gets cold, change diapers again and get the three girls dressed and get shoes on them, get myself dressed and looking decent enough to get out the door, pack the bag, and get coats on all of us I'm just ready to go back to bed. It's exhausting just to get ready to go anywhere, not to mention how much work it is once you get there trying to keep everyone happy and safe that a sane person just wouldn't think it is worth it.

But it is. It is worth it because if you stay in the house all day everyday with two 2 year olds and a baby you NEED to go out. You need to see real adult people and the kids need to get out of the house and see some of the rest of the world. Otherwise you spend the entire day breaking up fights and saying no to requests for more snacks after they just had one and trying to think up activities to entertain them while you nurse or put the baby down for a nap that they don't want to do anyway because they just want to follow you around all the time.

So we went to the mall and met my mom there. We went to morning club and made frog magnets and frog masks and then we went to lunch at Ruby Tuesdays where my sister and her boys met us. It's so nice to eat lunch out even when you end up holding the baby practically the whole time. Then we took the kids on the carousel and browsed through the clothes on clearance at Strawbridges that is closing. Nothing was quite cheap enough to make it worth making the kids cranky by doing some real shopping so we just packed it in and headed home for naps.

So it was a pretty good day. It's nice when the day goes by without really dragging and feeling desperate for my husband to get home. And I love to hang out with my mom and sisters. I'm so lucky they aren't just family, but my friends.

It's 5 o'clock Somewhere

I just finished putting the twins down for a nap and I am definitely in need of a drink now. Allison and Bridget both had their own separate meltdowns. And the morning started so nicely too. The twins actually slept until 8 today. For the past 2 weeks, they've been getting up at 7 so the extra hour to lay in bed snoozing and nursing Erin was nice. We then watched an episode or two of Calliou (We can't get enough Calliou around here. Thank God for OnDemand and my new DVR.), had breakfast and Erin took an hour nap. We had nothing else to do and Bridget has been asking for pink sunglasses (long story) so I decided to pack everyone up and head to Target.

I love Target. They have so much stuff that I don't even realize that I am in desperate need of until I'm there and somehow stuff just keeps ending up in my cart. I swear I cannot leave that store without spending at least $75. Not to mention it is one of the only stores around that has shopping carts that will accommodate all three of my children.

So after risking my children's lives in the parking lot and getting them strapped into the cart we headed into the snack area to get some popcorn to keep them happy while I shop. They were actually really good in the store. At least 3 people stopped me today to ask me if they were all mine. I don't understand why people have such a hard time accepting it. It actually pretty funny. You can see the wheels turning in their heads trying to calculate the ages and figure out if it is possible.

Thinking that I was being really nice, I bought another set of pretend baby bottles for the girls' dolls. They are really into playing mommy right now and fight over the baby bottles a lot. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Haven't I learned anything in the past 27 months? Of course they are going to fight over the new bottles. Why did I buy only one pack? When we get home, Bridget insists that both the new milky ba ba and the new juicy ba ba both are hers. All kinds of craziness then ensues. Hitting, screaming, biting, kicking, hair pulling. Where are my nice, well-mannered little girls and who left these two crazy people here instead? So, long story short we spent the next hour and a half alternately in tears or time-out until I managed to get them into their cribs for nap time. I swear somedays I just want to fall into a heap outside their door after I put them down.

Is 3:45 too early to start drinking?